Coming home.

It's a random Monday.

And a call from my best friend let's me know that an upward spiral exists.

Much like a downward spiral... Action reaction kinda thing...

That the existence of a downward spiral, logically begets an upward one.

So I took my first step today....on the upward spiral.

But ...

But I can't help but notice that I have residue marks from being in the dark for a while...

My body still aches from sitting alone.

My eyes still sore from the river of tears.

My throat vulnerable from the crying lumps

And look at me, covered in bruises, holes and rust..

I've waited for light, yet here as I stand before it, I fear it.

I fear it's impermanence.

I fear that it will go away again.

That it's so fleeting.

I feel that I cannot fall fully into the light

At least not how I was

Not with that buoyant innocence, the one that had not touched darkness

Light broke my heart somehow

She fooled me into thinking she would stay

She did not warn me

How could she allow me to feel so deeply and beautifully, as if she did not know what was to come? That the ground beneath me would fall shortly after our laugh, shortly after the trip, shortly after the event, shortly after, shortly after...

I feel tainted by darkness, I feel older and starkly aware of how fickle the ground can be. So here I am tip toeing

Holding my breathe This time I will be ready I will not be fooled by her

A part of me misses the days when I was all light

It feels so long ago.

These thoughts stroll in my heart, as I take my first steps into the light...

And as I look closely at the staircase that goes up into light. I freeze I do not see her

I see me

I am the light

I have always been

Even in the dark

Especially in the dark

Perhaps this is just but a journey back to self...

God...

I do believe but

God help me in my unbelief.