Coming home.

It's a random Monday.

And a call from my best friend let's me know that an upward spiral exists.

Much like a downward spiral...

This theory is from optimistic but closer to the logic of the law of all things.

That because of the existence of a downward spiral, then there certainly must be an upward spiral.

I took my first step today....on the upward spiral.

But ...

But I can't help but notice that I have residue marks from being in the dark for a while...

My body still aches from sitting alone.

My eyes still sore from the river of tears.

My throat vulnerable from the crying lumps

And look at me, covered in bruises and holes and patches of black rust.

I've waited for light, yet here as I stand, I fear it.

I fear it's impermanence.

I fear that it will go away again.

That it's so fleeting.

That now, I'm tainted in darkness.

And because of that I don't deserve light.

Who am I to occupy this space of light?

Oh how good were the days when I affirmed myself of my worth and truly believed it?

Back when I was all light

Feels so long ago.

These thoughts stroll in my heart, as I take my first steps into the light...

It's bittersweet, as I walk slowly in hesitation and undeservedness.

And as I look closely at the staircase that goes up into light.

I freeze.

Because it is a staircase of glass,

Mirroring my reflection.

Screaming;

Come on...

This is just but a journey back to self...

You are the upward spiral.

It is not a journey outside of you.

Surrender to your own light.

I do believe but

God help me in my unbelief.